Fear of being engulfed in a black hole? into the single-u-larity...? This fearful thought formed when 7 years old. It becomes a pattern in the mind of the child, and rigidifies over the years, being associated with certain situations that have made you feel iso-lated, lone-ly, and all this brings pain?Beelzebozo wrote:SWIM smoked edit for the first time in four months and confronted it. He confronted it and his fear and its source became fully known to him. Any hope he may have had that he has progressed since the big mushroom trip three years ago is gone. The terror is still there, as strong as ever. Terror is too weak a word. SWIM tried to get around it, tried to move past it, but it is all-consuming.
I'll try and put it into words.
The fear stems from the realization of the truth of our existence. We are alone, forever and always. When this realization hits, nothing seems worthwhile or fulfilling anymore. A void opens up. It is obvious we are going to have to confront ourselves and our utter alone-ness eventually, there is no escaping it. Our only consolation may be the unknowing of total oblivion, if it is even possible for us to reach that state. And that too is a terrifying prospect.
It is difficult to put into words. Call it, maybe, "an awareness of the singularity of the self."
A memory returned to me last night, a memory of when I was 7 or 8. Back then, I became aware of all of this, the predicament of consciousness. Isn't that ridiculous? A seven year-old grappling with the *same* things that I'm grappling with again as an adult? It was triggered by my parents telling me about the idea of black holes, which I thought long and hard about. Before long, I awakened to our precarious perch as beings in the world of phenomena. I remember the soul-crushing, mind-numbing feeling that persisted each and every day. The feeling was accompanied by a nauseating feeling in the pit of the stomach, which I complained to my parents about for months. It was the same as it is now. Nothing has changed.
I remember also that it ceased at some point, but I can't remember how. Clearly it hasn't gone away, however, it's still there.
I can't see a way around it. To enter into that place on psychedelics looks, from my perspective, like madness. I don't know if I can pass through it and return a sane, functioning part of this society. The idea that I must inevitably face it someday, however, is equally horrible. I don't know what's worse, waiting to experience it at the moment of my death, or jumping in and confronting it now, risking that I might return broken and despairing.
Sorry folks! Heavy stuff.
Now, understand, I've moved past this fear (seemingly) once before, last summer. That's SWIM's "Amanitas & Edit" report that he's posted here before. I want to believe, very badly, that I can move past it again, that that wasn't an illusion; but the fear is so overwhelming that it blots out rationality.
Fortunately, for now it only appears when I meditate deeply on it, so I can go about my business today.
the fear of the fear of the fear of it. Just dive into the black hole is alright for someone ELSE to give as advice, but to actually Do it is something else?
What is your fear would happen? what would "utter aloneless look like, feel like?