i'm trying to grasp it - grasp-grasp-grasp- and can't for most of my life, or, ok, that part i can still remember. i guess it must be true that it's something to work at, something where no one can really give you an any more than very vague way description and it's kind of really desperate (desperating?), prolly one has to be really desperate to go "that" way at all and also got to have still a fair load of despair- and frustration tolerance in reserve ... oh god, this sounds unbelievably depressing
trying to observe my thoughts, but that also is rather frustrating. observing that, too, so here we go again
just the intellectual understanding - if there is any - can not be the whole thing, i believe it's something one has to experience, gradual or bang-gee-whizz, i don't know that either. Does this make me kind of a "Gnostic"?
the only way i can think of is the exploring of one's "own mind", it's the only thought i find plausible enough to mention in the open without or with just very tiny exclamation marks, meditation and stuff. there are other things, like ... kind of illumination by "chance", or god or what ever is possible, but if i believe in those possibilities or not - they seem not in my reach anyway, nothing i can do towards them.
that meditation thing is worthwhile imho, but i am very very fidgety, have RLS to a degree and so on, that makes my sittings such a pain after only some minutes that i gave up my practice several times, once even after one year of every day practice, but am at it again, trying to go as easy as possible without just making it completely worthless. and i haven't found a way to overcome that yet. if i really should and if there is any. way, i mean. to overcome it
maybe this is no insuperable drawback but i'm blessed by that? hooray, thanks
Bhagwan told me not to worry. If i do it'll make me sorry. Alright.